Aight so I know I like literally just did a whole shpeal about not posting your loot tables online but like fr man there's some shit i needa get off my chest or i'm gonna scream ;-;
It's been a rough year, backslid a few miles down my progress and shit went to hell real quick. I've been trying for a psych since like.. november-ish? for my mentals because I think it's mostly what's keeping me couped up here in my "safe" little hole in the ground. This inescapable and crushing feeling that like I'm too broken to function and that getting better would take longer than the time we have left before we all die some preventable and ironic death or whatever. Getting better's a lot of time, money, patience, and like a double al that of trying to figure out what's actually wrong in the first place.
Like I've reached a point of distrust in other people and systems there to help me that I've regressed into isolation and recursion, and don't even trust myself anymore. Part of it's like so much shit is foggy in my head, so i can't remember or say for sure if anything's happened to me, and my only evidence is my body reacting strangely and inappropriately to certain situations. I've got triggers, but I don't know how or why they're there, and worse yet I don't know how many or even if they're there until something sets one off. Like phone calls with people right? Normal, everyday activity that's mandatory in this day and age. They freak me the fuck out. And I've gotten even worse in person, shaking and scratching my arm to the point people notice and ask me about it. I hate it when they do that but it's hard to stop myself from doing ticks other people notice.
Still live with family for reasons related to my issues, and I was taken to the mall the other day by my mom cus she had a day off and I asked her to help me get some errands done. All I did was schedule an appointment and cut my hair, and I was freaking out and uneasy the whole damn time. I had such a hard time speaking that mom ended up repeating what I said to anybody I talked to so much it plunged me to the pits of guilt. It scares me that I'm like this now. It's been 5 months, why haven't I managed to get myself together yet? Everyone I talk to about how i'm doing says i'm trying and doing my best, but it doesn't feel like I am when some days I struggle to even leave my room. Like, somebody who's like trying, ACTUALLY trying would be able to do that right? So why the hell am I still here? why is this one little corner of the house the only place i can feel safe and sound?
I think it might have something to do with like this fucked delusion I have where I can't believe anybody would or can have my best interests at heart. TL;DR had a rough upbringing, and a few bad life experiences reinforced the maladaptive thought patterns I internalized from said upbringing. It's very obviously not the case logically, I know people love and support me the best they can, and they reassure me of that constantly. But emotionally it still feels like there's someone waiting to pull the rug from under me whenever I'm having too good a day or have had it easy for a bit. Everything positive or good for me is too good to be true. Temporary. I know it's bad and not true but the feeling's sunk pretty damn deep now. I desperately don't want to be like this but In the short term I can't see a way to pull myself out of the water anymore.
Bluuuuuh I fuckin hate being a bummer. Promise I'll have somethin less ranty and soul crushing next time I write. ;-;